I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
