Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
