did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
