i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
