I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
