He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
