My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
