how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
