I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
