I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
