hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
