How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
