my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My cat gives me a boner
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
