you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
tonight lets celebrate not being married
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
