I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
