textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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