I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
