I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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