It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
