I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
