I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Randomize
