I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
