he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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