God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
