Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
