Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
