I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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