Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
