maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
