Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
