the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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