I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
