Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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