these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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