And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
