Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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