Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
