ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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