Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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