you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
