You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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