My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
