I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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