You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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