Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
