And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
