i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
