I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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