I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just pynch a tree in the face
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
be right there i have to get my cape
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
