i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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