I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
