he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
