It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
