He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
